Our NICU journey began at B.C. Women’s Hospital, after my water broke two months early (PROM) at 30 weeks. I later developed a fever and elevated white blood cell count, leading to an early emergency induced labour. Noah was born December 21st, 2019 at 31 weeks.
We stayed in the B.C. Children’s NICU until Noah was stable enough to be transferred to Burnaby Hospital’s NICU and then finally were released home in February of 2020.
When I gave birth to Noah there was a team of about 25 doctors and nurse lining the back wall of the deliver room. I still remember their fuzzy outlines in the background and the moment I got to hold Noah for the first time for just a few minutes. The most excruciating thing for me was giving him back and watching him being put in the incubator and then wheeled away to the NICU. It was not at all how I/we imagined my journey into motherhood (parenthood) starting.
When I got to see Noah for the first time in the NICU it was a real mix of shock and devastation, and relief - one of the many times in our journey I would feel such paradoxically different emotions at the same time. I was absolutely devastated at the situation and the fact that my baby was in the NICU and not going to be going home with me for a long while - I yearned to hold him when I wanted, feed him by myself and experience the joys and lows of being a new first time mom on my own.
I felt a real spotlight on my motherhood experience that felt unnatural and extremely stressful - Noah and Is every move was recorded, calculated and monitored. I was pumping breast milk around the clock, with little success and this made me feel like a failure as a mom, although I am deeply grateful for the donor milk I received for Noah at both BCWH and Burnaby Hospital NICU.
I also felt a sense of relief in that I know that Noah would receive the best care possible in the NICU and trusted in the expertise and care of the many doctors and nurses.
The advice I would give to a mom currently going through a NICU experience is to take it day by day - so much can change in a day or even a couple hours in the NICU. Be gentle with yourself and take care of yourself - you are in the midst of trauma and it’s ok to acknowledge this and take steps to care for your own health and well-being. I wish I could go back and tell my younger self this. Also, lean on and into your community - your family, friends, colleagues, community connections and especially other NICU moms who are in the journey with you and who have come before you- chances are many want to connect and give back. Many want to help someone going through the same thing they did or are, whether it be a listening ear, advice, a coffee or some premmie clothes. When I was in the NICU a former BCCH NICU mom brought a bag of premmie clothes to me at the hospital that were her sons and gave me a hug, just holding me and crying with me, and this small gesture made a world of difference. Being a NICU mom can sometimes be like a sisterhood or club- one no one really wanted a membership in - but once you find your people, can feel supportive, uplifting, and inspiring nonetheless. Being a NICU mom is how I came into contact with Naetal and met Vivian and Joshua, and many other families that have helped me feel connected and greatly supported over the Photo from Lindsay Twaites
Before my NICU journey I saw motherhood as more of a solo endeavour. Something for me to experience as an individual - now I see it more as a holistic experience. Being a mother is being part of a community, leaning on and gaining insight, love, acceptance and support from a wide range of knowledge keepers. (NICU) Motherhood is the wisdom of the collective mixed in with self-love and acceptance, and permission to give yourself grace and fluidity in an ever changing and greatly life changing experience.
Photo from Lindsay Twaites
What is your favourite Motherhood quote?
